Forgivingly Fit

Does unforgiveness have a place in my life? Do I harbor any feelings of hatred toward myself or anyone else?

There was a time in my life when I hated someone, my stepfather. Even now the words seem too strong, but he came into our lives and turned everything upside down. I was only 10 years old.

Until he arrived on-scene I had only known love and patience. He seemed to bring the opposite. He was intolerant, too often mean and a bit perverse. I carried my hatred for him into my adulthood. I had hated this man for 25 years and I was tired of this feeling inside me.

My hatred for him was not hurting him! It was hurting me.

I had tried to forgive him, but I could not do it. One day I thought to ask God to help me forgive him.

I said something like “Lord, I can’t do this. Would you please help me forgive him? I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to let this go.”

And just like that my heart began to release its icy grip. I no longer had those feelings brewing just under the surface. It almost seemed, too simple.

It was not long after that, he would write a letter to me. It was part of his counseling, and he was to make amends with anyone he had hurt. He asked for my forgiveness, and I was able to write him back and honestly tell him I had already forgiven him.

I love the way God works! I believe the Holy Spirit had been working on my heart to give up the hurts and forgive this man before he reached out and asked for it. If my stepfather had written that letter while I still embraced those feelings, I am not sure how it would have turned out. He has since gone to his grave.

It does not take a keen sense of observation to see hate, anger, and extreme intolerance growing in people around us. Perhaps you have noticed a change even within yourself. Now is the time to forgive even more.

I was reading an article this morning titled 8 Keys to Forgiveness. When another person hurts us, it can upend our lives! And, often does. We can replay that situation and language over and over in our minds until we are ready to burst.

I found an article on the Berkeley University website that was written in 2015. There is not a single Christian or religious angle to it, but a few things the author mentioned really rang true with me. One of them, number 2 on the list, was to become “forgivingly fit.”

I like that term. Forgivingly Fit.

The jest of the article was to practice forgiveness. Just as you would start slowly with a new physical exercise routine, it helps if you build up your forgiving heart muscles slowly, incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life.

The article went on to say, “You can start becoming more fit by making a commitment to do no harm—in other words, making a conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who’ve hurt you. You don’t have to say good things; but, if you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart.”

Number 4 on the list is to “Develop a forgiving mind through empathy.”

I was just telling a co-worker a few days ago, there is something to knowing more about a person’s life that allows us to have empathy toward them. It’s sad but true. Most people need a reason to feel empathy. We want to know your story and then we will judge if it deserves our emotion or not.

But we were created to forgive. We were not physically created to hold on to hurts and anger. When we hold on, it causes us harm.

“Scientists have studied what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone (in a hypothetical situation), they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. This tells us that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the process.

“If you examine some of the details in the life of the person who harmed you, you can often see more clearly what wounds he carries and start to develop empathy for him. First, try to imagine him as an innocent child, needing love and support. Did he get that from the parents? Research has shown that if an infant does not receive attention and love from primary caregivers, then he will have a weak attachment, which can damage trust. It may prevent him from ever getting close to others and set a trajectory of loneliness and conflict for the rest of his life.”

I found another story written by a man named Brian. He wrote: “At age 47, I was directed to apply forgiveness in my life in March, 1992 when I was given a brochure by a woman on a bus, "Forgiveness the power that heals" - by Dick Innes (an Australian). It referred to findings and use with patients by Dr S I McInnes (his book "None of these diseases"). I simply sat with a pad and pen, looked up and asked, "Who do I need to forgive?" ... 30+ names from my early childhood to the current date (including myself a few times) were given and I then one by one recalled the person and circumstances and forgave them ... they then disappeared from view.

He went onto write the result were amazing. “…any minor "ailments" quickly cleared up and I stopped wearing spectacles and for almost 30 years, I have NOT had even a headache or a cold (I have adopted quick forgiveness as a policy in my life).”

This man’s unforgiveness had been making him sick. Physically ill. It was not until he was able to forgive that he noticed all the ‘symptom’s’ disappearing.

There is even scientific evidence that forgiveness therapy does statistically-significantly reduce symptoms of post-traumatic stress.

I read that forgiveness is what makes the God of the Bible unique. I like that!

Micah 7:18-19 “Who is a God like You, Who forgives iniquity and passes over the transgression of the remnant of His heritage? He retains not His anger forever, because He delights in mercy and loving-kindness. He will again have compassion on us; He will subdue and tread underfoot our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” Amplified Bible, Classic Edition

And we, like He, must extend forgiveness…even if it is not asked for.

Nothing destroys a relationship faster than lack of forgiveness and it matters not the relationship. If you are holding onto a hurt it will impact that relationship on every level, not to mention, I strongly believe it impacts all of the other relationships.

My sweet sister recently asked me, “would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?”

Now in all truth I would like to be both, but when it comes to relationship based on forgiveness and grace, well, that is much stronger than relationship based on being right and getting what I deserve.

Paul wrote, “Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sins are put out of sight. Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of sin.” Romans 4:7-8 NLT

Amen. I don’t know about you, but there is nothing I want, or need, more than having my record cleared of sin.

And then King David wrote “Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.” Psalm 32:1 NKJV

We are so very blessed and because God has given us this wonderful gift of forgiveness, we in turn should extend it as often as needed.

Count yourself lucky, how happy you must be— you get a fresh start, your slate’s wiped clean.

Count yourself lucky— God holds nothing against you and you’re holding nothing back from him.

When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans.

The pressure never let up; all the juices of my life dried up.

Then I let it all out; I said, “I’ll come clean about my failures to God.”

Suddenly the pressure was gone— my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared.

These things add up. Every one of us needs to pray; when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts we’ll be on high ground, untouched.

God’s my island hideaway, keeps danger far from the shore, throws garlands of hosannas around my neck.

Let me give you some good advice; I’m looking you in the eye and giving it to you straight:

“Don’t be ornery like a horse or mule that needs bit and bridle to stay on track.”

God-defiers are always in trouble; God-affirmers find themselves loved every time they turn around.

Celebrate God. Sing together—everyone! All you honest hearts, raise the roof! Psalm 32 The Message Bible

by Jeanette Stark – Thursday, May 25, 2023