A Life-Changing, Path-Directing God

It was the first Saturday in October 2020, and I will never forget that day. I awoke, knowing things were not right; (understatement of my lifetime).

It was hard to articulate then, much less now, but I want to try. And perhaps you have heard this story already? Then I beg your forgiveness as it is important to me, and I feel a need to repeat it today.

It was October 3rd. I awoke that Saturday morning with a feeling of dread and doom. I do not use those words lightly. In fact, if I could find stronger words, I would use them.

It was not a typical panic attack; I have had those.

It was not anxiety; I have suffered through many moments of anxiety. This, this was something different.

I had this sense of foreboding and a restlessness that, again, is hard to describe.

I felt very apprehensive. As if my life was surrounded by some sinister force and there was nothing to buffer. It was, again, for lack of a better word, horrifying.

It felt as though all the love and light that had been a part of me; that had always surrounded me, was suddenly gone.

It was such a dreadful feeling that I literally felt like I was crawling out of my own skin. I found myself repeatedly clenching my teeth.

Nothing I tried worked.

Praying. Walking. I went for a drive. I paced and paced. I could not eat all day. And the feeling never eased.

I begged God to help me. And yet, He remained silent. It felt as though He had abandoned me. It was such a frightful experience. 

I wondered if I had started grieving the soon loss of Wendell. He had already lived close to a year past the time a local oncologist gave him 2 months to live. WHAT WAS THIS?!?

I called my mom late Saturday evening and asked her to pray with me, and I slept okay that night but woke up Sunday to the same horrible situation.

Sunday, I went through the same thing. Wave after wave of dread and doom. Looking out my window with hopelessness and unspeakable feelings of loss and distress. This was not sadness; THIS was much worse.

By Monday the 5th I was back at work and back behind the mic but could not even read a 2-minute stock market report without crying. THIS IS WEIRD!

My boss called me into his office and asked, “what can we do to help you?” What do you need?” I told him I was not even sure what was going on, but perhaps I should take a few days off and try to get to my doctor.

He agreed that I needed to take some time off. Now, keep in mind, he had already given me the entire month of December 2019 off, paid! 

Back when we were told Wendell had “maybe” 2 months to live, I was given an entire month to be with him and focus on us; it was a wonderful gift! But now it was almost a year later, and my life felt totally upside down; and inside out.

I was able to see my doctor who put me on a strong anti-depressant and within just a couple of days I was feeling much better.

On Thursday, October 15, 2020, I texted the GM and told him I was ready to get back to work and would be returning on Monday. He asked if I could come in and talk with him first. So, I headed to town that day.

What happened next made my head spin. I will not go into detail other than to say, I was let go.

I had almost 28 years with this company. I was good at my job. I loved what I did! But I was asked to clean out my desk and hand in my key. I was told that my absences were causing the company too much stress. I was also told that the company would soon be hiring to fill my position, and I was always welcome to apply for employment with them again in the future. I was numb.

I wanted to scream: “you don’t know stress until you are taking care of a dying man, while trying to balance life and family, church and a full-time job and, and, and….”

But there I was. Two weeks of medical insurance, a brand-new mortgage and a dying spouse.

I was devastated!

Now to the good part of this story 😊 And for that we need to go back. Back to Tuesday, October 13, 2020.

Ten days into that horrible experience of awaking to that feeling of trepidation, uncontrolled tears and apprehension that was off the charts, I believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to start writing Bible promises.

I found a journal that had been gifted to me for Christmas 2017 and began writing.

I discovered that while I was writing, I felt no dread; no doom; no anxiety. I felt calm and peaceful, as long as I was writing.

I did a lot of writing and soon, that awful feeling subsided and then eventually disappeared.

At the end of October 2020, 2 weeks after being let go, I was in my living room having my morning worship. Just God and me. Wendell was still in bed. I could hear the oxygen machine whirring in the background, and I cried out to my Abba. I expressed to Him all of my hurt and disappointment and frankly, anger.

And just like that I heard Him ask, “What if you could know this was My will for your life and not your employer’s?”

I answered immediately, “Then I would be okay with it Lord.” And I meant it. Why would I not be okay with it, IF in fact this was His plan? 

Suddenly I had a peace come over me that is also hard to explain. But the Bible talks about that peace.

Philippians 4:7 tell us, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ESV

My life began to change.

I began kneeling beside my bed each morning to pray. I have always prayed. Prayed while making breakfast. Prayed while driving. Prayed big time in the stairwell at work. Prayed in my bed. But I had never, as an adult, knelt beside my bed and began each morning in prayer.

I began to have a Bible study in my home with a girlfriend; again, something I had never done.

And I kept journaling; I guess I still do.

Back then, at the end of October 2020, I did not know what my future held. There I was, 57 years old; how was I going to find a job that suited me? I started working in radio just after my 28th birthday. I did not want to do anything else. I KNEW I would retire from radio, when I was ready to retire, but here I was with so many unknowns.

But God had a plan!

Isaiah 46:4 reads “Even to your old age, I am He, And even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you.” NKJV

The only thing I had going for me, besides my years in radio, was my strong faith and trust in God. And frankly, that was enough!

To make a long story shorter, I started working at Better Life Television on February 15, 202.

Is it a stretch to think our Heavenly Father allowed that, whatever that was, back on the 3rd of October 2020? No. Not in my mind. Not even a small stretch. It changed the course of my life and changed it very quickly.

I believe with all my heart that our Heavenly Father closed the door on radio, (perhaps slammed would be a better description) but He opened the door to something so much better. A life in ministry! UNREAL!! I love Him so much! Not to mention that I was able to be home with Wendell 24/7 for the last 2 ½ months of his life and he very much needed that; turns out, so did I.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9 NKJV

Can we just say “Thank You Lord! Thank You!

Let’s make sure we know Jesus. Make sure we have accepted His gift of salvation. Jesus is coming soon, and He wants you!

by Jeanette Stark – Thursday, February 15, 2024